If you really loved me the way you say you do
If you love me half as much as I love you
You would pluck a planet from the sky
You'd use a falling star to dot the "I"
In "I love you", that is what you'd do
You'd take a dreary day and you would paint it blue
If you loved me unconditionally
These are the things that you would do for me
Because I need you
Like a fish needs the sea
Like a fire needs oxygen
Like a flower needs a bee
And if you really cared for me
You'd let me video you while you wee
Standing up in the bath
I shouldn't even have to ask
Perhaps you'd even store a little more in a flask
These are just the things that people do
When their love for one another is true
Ba du du
We go together
Like a toast and patê
Like racism and ignorance
Like jews and ogmoney;
And if you really want to show you care
You'd let me wear your underwear
When we go to your mum'sfor a bit of harmless fun
I just like talking about your childhood with some lace between my buns
There's no reason for a big to-do
If you love one another, it's true
Ba du du
We go together
Like a bird in a nest
Like Internet and kiddie-porn
Like guns and the US
And if you love me like you say you do
You'd purchase forty cockatoo
And teach them to fly in formation in the sky
And **** the words "Tim is God" on my ex-girlfriend's Hyundai
Sure, it might be easier with doves
But shirking challenges is not what love's all about
Love is not all wine and roses
Sometimes it's handcuffs and cheese
No one said love is for free
And if you agree with that
You'd sing me passages from the Koran
Wearing nothing but your Bob the Builder hat
To the tune of Waltzing Matilda
I just love the combination of Islam, nationalism and builder
Because I need you
Like a tick needs a tock
Like bananas need pyjamas
Like a nun needs cock
But if you want to put your love for me first
You wouldn't go through childbirth
You'd agree to adopt, so that you could stay thin
We'll get a Chinese kid - it could teach us Mandarin!
And communists don't make as much noise
And they're really good at sharing their toys
Because I dig you
Like an Aussie digs pies
Like born-agains dig Jesus
Like Jesus dug guys
And if you love me just a modicum
You'd softly rub my perineum
And stick a finger up my bum
As I'm about to cum
I heard it's quite acceptable and suprisingly fun
Now that I'm saying that I want you to
But hypothetically is something,it is something you may do
You know,if you loved me unconditionally
Like letting me video you while you wee
Assuming there's nothing worth watching on TV